Twisted Fiction Press

Don Quixote and the Head.

by on Feb.06, 2009, under short_script

DQ: Where am I? Who are you?
HEAD: Oh my God. You’re Don Quixote.
DQ: So?
HEAD: You’re on my desk. I thought you could give me some tips, you know. I’m an old writer, running out of options. I’m scared.
DQ: How old?
HEAD: 74.
DQ: Really? You look pretty good for your age.
HEAD: You got me. Truth is I’m only 34.
DQ: Pull the other one.
HEAD: Would you believe, 44?
DQ: I want to go home.
HEAD: I need to probe your brain first.
DQ: You want to penetrate me?
HEAD: Yes, but not in a gay way.
DQ: What does that even mean? Why are you winking at me? Holy Moses, what’s that?
HEAD: That’s my new sub-woofer. It was a last resort. I thought stereo sound from my iTunes would unleash my talent.
DQ: And that?
HEAD: It’s a gun.
DQ: Loaded?
HEAD; Mmhmm
DQ: Just in case, eh?
HEAD: Don’t tell me it never occurred to you, Don.
DQ: Who’s Don?
HEAD: Success eluded you, AKA Miguel Cervantes. In and out of caves, chasing imaginary damsels. In prison waiting for the call from the New World. Never came did it? Yet you practically invented it. What’s your secret?
DQ: Look—stop tilting at microwave towers. Success is a contradiction in terms.
HEAD: Why?
DQ: It comes at a cost.
HEAD: Will you take a check?
DQ: Like my buddy Sam Beckett says: Ever tried/Ever failed/No matter/Try again/Fail again/Fail better.
HEAD (screaming): FAIL BETTER!!!?? FAIL BETTER? ! That’s the biggest crock I ever heard. How can hell get any hotter?
DQ: Believe it. I’ve been there.
(pause)
HEAD: You have?

DQ: What?

HEAD: I don’t know. I always kind of thought of you – well.

DQ: In writers heaven. Yeah yeah. With all these perfect little wing-ed words sucking my dick?

HEAD: Wing-ED? Woah!
DQ: What—never thought of me as having a dick?
HEAD: No, that’s—
DQ: Old dicklesss Don, is that it?
HEAD: Sorry, touchy subject.
DQ: I have a picture of it.
HEAD: No thanks.
DQ: Ok.
HEAD: Ok.
DQ: (sigh). Take it from me, Gay. The only dickless thing is a quitter.
(pause)
DQ: You got that?
HEAD: I think so.
(Pause.)
HEAD So fade to black? Not an option?
DQ: Not at this stage.
HEAD: What about cut? Cut’s right out, isn’t it.
DQ: Yep.
HEAD: Pull back and roll to credits?
DQ: ‘Fraid not.
HEAD: So …
DQ: Mmmmm … .
HEAD: Ok, then … .
DQ: Yep..
HEAD: So.
DQ: So, Gay. I’m in the market for a new helmet. This whole barbers basin thing isn’t really working for me.
HEAD: Have you tried eBay? They’d have helmets. And I’m not Gay.
DQ: But if you were, would you find me attractive? Because when I was in prison …

A. Liddell 2009

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